Spoilers-All of 1st season is fair game.
Summary-Tristan POV. Tristan goes over and explains his actions throughout the season.
Rating-PG
Characters-Tristan
Disclaimer-Gilmore Girls belongs to the WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino. Please don't sue.


Indecision

By Rayne

For a long time, I was numb.

I figured it would be safer, you see. Safer not to let anyone in, not to let anyone see the real me. If you let people in, you get hurt. Simple. With the right amount of confidence, arrogance, and sexuality, and of course, money, I managed to fool everyone at Chilton into thinking I was the perfect male Chilton specimen.

Until she came along.

I'm late to class one day. I apologized to the teacher and I walked to my seat when I noticed this new girl sitting in the front row. She had the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen. Innocence shone through those eyes as she looked at me. I figured, with such innocence, it would be easy for me to score with her.

Rory: I kinda view studying as a solitary activity. But thanks anyway.

Needless to say, I was surprised. I figured she was just playing hard to get, so I kept at it.

Me: You know Mary, I can't figure out why we're not friends. I think it's cuz I make you nervous."
Rory: I think it's because you can't learn my name.

I called her " Mary" every chance I got. She really, really didn't like being called after the Virgin Mary.

Rory: And for the last time, the name is RORY!

She was still a plaything, something for me to use and then discard when I became bored.

Until the night of the dance.

When I saw her, dancing with that jackass, Dean, I felt furious, jealous, lonely, and...more alive than I had felt in a long time. I had never felt so much emotion in so long. For so long, it had been like I was filled with Novocain. I never felt anything except for numbness. My head was reeling, so I tried to get back into my cool, controlled, Novocain-filled self by making out with Cissy.

Cissy: " You wanna dance?"
Me: "Nope."
Cissy: "You wanna eat?"
Me: " Nope."
Cissy: " You wanna go make out?"
Me: " Yeah, alright, let's go."

Didn't work.

Afterwards, I approached Rory's boyfriend. After we tossed a few insults back and forth, I attacked him. I know, it was extremely stupid. Not only did I make an enemy out of Dean, publicly humiliate myself, I'd turned Rory's indifferent dislike into disgust. I plead temporary insanity. I mean, come on, I was feeling the first big rush of emotion I'd felt in years.

You'd think after that, I'd have learned my lesson. That I'd apologize, or at least stay out of Rory's way. But no. I stared at her ear in class, and Ms. Caldecott caught me at it. Twice. And I still persisted in calling her "Mary". And I also made out with my new girlfriend, Summer, right against Rory's locker. All in a effort to get Rory to notice me, know that I was alive. However, Rory still maintained her disgust for anything and everyone connected to me.

That all changed at Madeline's party. Or so I thought.

I went with Summer, and Rory came with a friend of hers. At the party, Summer and I had a fight, and she dumped me in front of everyone, but most importantly, in front of Rory. My worst nightmare had happened again. I was publicly humiliated, again, and Rory Gilmore had a front seat to witness it, again! I couldn't take people's whispering and snickering, so I left the room. And then Rory found me at the piano. We actually had a decent conversation. She talked about Biology and Spanish when she realized I didn't want to talk about Summer. After I accused her of enjoying seeing me get nailed like that, she denied it, then told me some startling news...

Me: So where's your boyfriend tonight?
Rory: He's...not my boyfriend anymore.
Me: Why not?
Rory: He didn't want to be.
Me: Idiot.
Rory: So's Summer.

I was amazed. First, Rory says she didn't enjoy seeing me embarrassed, then she calls Summer an idiot! I should have realized it was too good to last. After apogising for the way I treated her and she accepting my apology, I leaned in slowly, and kissed her.

Before you think I'm the biggest sex fiend on the planet, I'd like to add that I gave Rory plenty of time to move and she didn't.

When I kissed Rory, I could have stayed at that piano bench, kissing her, forever. And the best part was, she kissed me back. For a few moments, I thought that the whole emotion thing wouldn't be so bad. Sure, you get sadness and anger, but if I could sometimes feel like this, I'd become the most emotional person on the planet. For just a few seconds, I was happy.

Until Rory broke off the kiss, crying, and ran out of the room. At this point, the main thought running through my head was Screw emotion.

The next day, Rory and I talked She said that she didn't cry because of the kiss and that it was a nice kiss. I told her that I was going to try and swear off girls. Rory said that I should try and swear off a certain kind of girl. Then she suggested that I go out with Paris Gellar.

Rory is very intelligent, she wouldn't be in Chilton if she wasn't, but right then I was wondering if she was the dumbest person on the earth. Yes, I have known Paris for years. And yes, she has a huge crush on me. But come on, me and Paris? We're complete opposites. All Paris thinks about is studying and getting into Harvard. Still, since we had history together and I knew it would make Rory happy, I asked Paris out.

Surprisingly, we had a good time. We went to dinner and a movie. And I kissed her goodnight. Since we had a good time, I wanted to see if we could make a good couple, like Rory thought we could. But when I kissed Paris, it felt like I was kissing a friend. The sparks just weren't there. Unfortunately, Paris thought the sparks were there when we kissed, judging from the five messages she left on my answering machine, saying what a great time she had. I didn't want to lead her on, so I broke the news to her on the next day. While I was breaking the news to her as gently as I could, I unwittingly made a very big mistake. I told Paris that it was Rory who had suggested we go out. Paris didn't know anything about that, so she blew up at Rory and left the room. Rory then blew up at me. How was Paris being mad my fault? I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that Rory never told Paris that she set us up?

Me: Look, we tried it and it didn't work out, ok? It's no big deal.
Rory: One date isn't trying. And it's a huge deal to Paris!
Me: Paris is upset, ok? But is it better to keep going out with Paris even though I like someone else?
Rory: Oh.
Me: Yeah.
Rory: You're still not over Summer, huh?
Me: Yeah. I'm not over Summer yet.

At that point I left the room, thinking there was no figuring out Rory Gilmore. I mean, weren't the signals clear enough? I'd gotten over Summer. The girl I was talking about was Rory, damn it.

After that day, when Rory and I met, we had normal conversations occasionally spiked with our former sparring. One day, Mr. Medina wanted us to write a paper about a performer that had influenced you in some way. When Rory passed up her paper to me, I glanced at it. Her paper was on P.J. Harvey. A few weeks later I heard that P.J. Harvey was coming to Hartford, so I thought Rory and I could go. I got these amazing tickets to the concert and then asked Rory out. It didn't go exactly as I'd planned.

Me: You're into P.J. Harvey, right?
Rory: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Me: Why, I'm all knowing.
Rory: Very God-like of you.

After I told her that one of those tickets was hers, and that yes, it would be a date, she turned me down. Now, I'm not really all knowing, so I couldn't figure out why the hell she turned me down. We had been getting along pretty well, so I figured she'd want to go with me after she thought it over. Pretty arrogant of me, huh?

That's why I told Paris, Madeline, and Louise that Rory was going with me to see the concert. Extremely idiotic, considering Paris had just forgiven Rory for setting her up with me.

The next day, I talked to Rory again. I acted like a complete jackass, I admit it. I was rude, arrogant, demanding, and basically I had done a complete 180 from the nicer Tristan into jackass Tristan.

Grabbing her books and holding them hostage was possibly the dumbest move I have ever made in my life. No, wait, it ties at first place with nearly coming to blows with Dean at the dance.

Then he showed up.

Obviously, Rory was thrilled to see him. But he didn't seem quite so happy to see her. And he definitely wasn't happy to see me. Rory was explaining that she hated me, Dean was talking about Rory impersonating a Girl Scout (?), and then Dean turned to leave.

Rory: Dean, stop!
Dean: Why?
Rory: Because I love you, idiot!

At this point, my life officially sucked. I put down Rory's books, turned, and walked away as Dean was kissing the one girl that I had ever cared about in my life.

And that's it. The good guy gets the girl, and the bad guy doesn't. Just like the movies. But things aren't so clear-cut in real life. Is Dean, deep down, really better than me? Or is he just luckier? I know I dug myself into this pit, but the main thing is, what do I do now?

Do I try to get over Rory? Do I apologize and try to become her friend? Or do I go back to teasing her and calling her Mary? Right now, I have no idea. The safe thing to do would be to just fill myself up with imaginary Novocain. To not let anyone in. To do what my parents want me to do: Find a trophy wife, have a marriage of convenience that strengthens the business but leaves me married to someone that I don't even love or care about in the slightest, go into the family business and have a job that has a lot of perks but leaves me unfulliled for the rest of my life.

Or this summer, I could try to become human again. I could try to let people in. Figure out who the real Tristan Dugrey is, not this playboy who has always done what his family wanted. The problem with the second plan is, you let people in, you get hurt. Simple. Right? But...I just don't know. I don't know if it's really better to live the life I've lived for the past sixteen years.

So what do I do? I can't go to my parents, because they don't give a damn. I can't go to Paris, because she's furious with me and Rory. And I sure as hell can't go to Rory, because at this point, she doesn't give a damn about me either.

There's an old saying that no man is an island. That whatever we do, we're not alone. But that's not true, not really. Not for me, anyway. So now that I've burned my last two bridges, what do I do?

end

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